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A RED LETTER DAY, 

A Farcical Comedy, 



X3KT POU 



.A. O T & - 



BY 



HORACE W. FULLER, 

Author of " False Pretensions," 'Bad Advice,' 1 '' etc. 



TOGETHEK WITH 



A Inscription of tlie Costumes — Casl of the Characters — Entrances 

and Exits— Relative Positions of the Performers on the 

Stage— and the whole of the Stage Business. 



5? 




$tou f oris : 

DE WITT. PUBLISlIEh' 



No. S3 Rose Street. 




- A COMPLETE DESCRIPTIVE CATALOGUE OF DE WITTS ACTING 
NOW \ PLAYS, AND DE WITTS ETHIOPIAN AND COMIC DRAMAS, containing 
RE A DV I Plot8 ' Costume. Scenery. Time o? Representation, and every other inf ormft- 
' tlon. mailed free and post-paid. 



I 



DE WITT'S 



ETHIOPIAN AND COMIC DRAMA. 



Nothing so thorough and complete in the way of Ethiopian and Comic Dramas has ever 
been printed as those that appear in the following list. Not only are the plots excellent, the 
characters droll, the incidents funny, the language humorous, but all the situations,^>y.play, 
positions, pantomimic business, scenery, and tricks are bo plainly set down and clearly 
explained that the merest novice could put any of them on the stage. Included in this 
Catalogue are all the most laughable and effective pieces of their class ever produced. 

*** In ordering please copy the figures at the commencement of each piece, which 
indicate the number of the piece in " De Witt's Ethiopian and Comic Dkama." 

jg@=- Any of the following Plays sent, postage free, on receipt of price— Fifteen Cents 
each. 

jq@- The figure following the name of the Play denotes the number of Acts. The 
figures in the columns indicate the number of characters— M. male; F. female. 



10. 

11. 

i46. 

110. 

126 
127. 
128. 

120. 

78. 

89. 

i 24. 
108. 

148. 

35. 

112. 

41. 
144. 
140. 

12 

53. 

63. 
131 



Absent Minded, Ethiopian farce, 1 

act 3 1 

Africau Box, burlesque, 2 scenes. . . 6 
Africanus Bluebeard, musical Ethi- 
opian burlesque, 1 scene 6 2 

Ambition, farce, 2 scenes 7 

Awful Plot (Au) Ethiopian farce, la. 3 1 
Babv Elephant, sketch, 2 scenes.. . . 7 1 
Bad' Whiskey, Irish sketch, 1 sceue. 2 1 
Baruey's Courtship, musical inter- 
lude, lact 1 2 

Big Mistake, sketch, 1 scene 4 

Black Chap from Whitechapel, Ne- 
gro piece 4 

Black Chemist, sketch, 1 scene 3 

Black-Ev'd William,sketch,2 scenes 4 1 
Black Forrest (The).Ethiopian farce, 

lact 2 1 

Black Magician (De).Ethiopian com- 
icality.. * 2 

Black Statue (The), Negro farce 4 2 

Blinks and Jinks, Ethiopian sketch. 3 1 
Bobolino, the Black Bandit, Ethio- 
pian musical farce, 1 act 2 1 

Body Snatchers (The), Negro sketch, 

2 scenes 3 1 

Bogus Indian, sketch, 4 scenes 5 2 

Bogus Talking Machine (The), farce, 

1 sceue 4 

Bruised and Cured, sketch, 1 scene. 2 
Charge of the Hash Brigade, comic 

Irish musical sketch 2 2 

Christmas Eve in the South, Ethio- 
pian farce, 1 act 6 2 

Coal Heaver's Revenge, Negro sketch. 

1 scene 6 

Coming Man (The).. Ethiopian sketch, 

2 scenes 3 1 

Cremation, sketch, 2 scenes 8 1 

Crowded Hotel (The), sketch, 1 sc. 4 1 

Cupid's Frolics, sketch, 1 scene 5 1 

Daguerreotypes, sketch, 1 scene 3 

Damon and Pythias, burlesque, 2 sc. 5 1 
Darkey's Stratagem, sketch, 1 scene 3 1 

. Darkey Sleep Walker (The), Ethio- 
»ian sketch, 1 scene 3 1 



124. 
111. 

139. 
50. 
64. 

95. 

07. 
4. 
136. 
98. 
52. 
25. 



106. 



17. 
68. 
31. 

20. 

82. 
130. 



70. 
61. 
142. 

23. 
118. 

3. 

48. 

68. 
150. 

71. 
123 



Deaf as a Post, Ethiopian sketch.. . . 2 
Deeds of Darkness, Ethiopian ex- 
travaganza, 1 act 6 

Desperate Situation (A), farce, 1 sc. 6 

Draft (The), sketch, 2 scenes 6 

Dutchman's Ghost, 1 scene 4 

Dutch Justice, laughable sketch, 

1 scene 11 

Editor's Troubles, farce, 1 scene.. . 6 

Eh ? What is it ? sketch 4 

Election Day, Ethiopian farce, 2 He. 6 
Elopement (The), farce, 2 scenes. . . 4 

Excise Trials, sketch, 1 scene 10 

Fellow that Looks like Me, inter- 
lude, 1 scene 2 

First Night (The), Dutch farce, 1 act 4 
Fisherman's Luck, sketch, 1 scene. 2 
Fun in a Cooper's Shop, Ethiopian 

sketch 6 

Gambrinus, King of Lager Beer, 

Ethiopian burlesque, 2 scenes 8 

German Emigrant (The),sketch.lsc. 2 
Getting Square on the Call Boy, 

sketch, 1 scene 3 

Ghost (The), Sketch, 1 act 2 

Ghost in a Pawn Shop, sketch, 1 sc. 4 

Glycerine Oil, sketch, 2 scenes 3 

Going for the Cup, interlude 4 

Good Night's Rest, sketch, 1 scene. 3 
Go aud get Tight, Ethiopian sketch, 

1 scene £ 

Gripsack, sketch, 1 scene 3 

Guide to the Stage, sketch 3 

Happy Couple, 1 scene 2 

Happy Uncle Rufus, Ethiopian mu- 
sical sketch, 1 scene 1 

Hard Time*, extravaganza. 1 scene. 5 
Helen's Funny Babies, burlesque. 

lact f 

Hemmed In. sketch.. «| 

High Jack, the Heeler, sketch, 1 sc. 6 

Hippotheatron, sketch * 

How to Pay the Rent, farce, 1 scene 6 

In and Out, sketch. 1 scene 2 

Intelligence Office (The), Ethiopian 
sketch, 1 scene » • • * 



A RED LETTER DAY. 



a jfarcical tfTometnj, 



IN FOUR ACTS. 



ADAPTED AND ALTERED FROM THE FRENCH. 



By HORACE W. FULLER, 

Author of u False Pretensions," " Bad Advice," etc. 



t 



TOGETHKH WITU 



A DESCRIPTION OF THE COSTUMES— CAST OF THE CHARACTERS — EN< 
TRANCES AND EXITS — RELATIVE POSITIONS OF THE PERFORM- 
ERS ON THE STAGE, AND THE WHOLE OF THE STAGE 
BUSINESS. 



NEW YORE i 

r, pubi 

No. 83 Rose Street. 



DE WITT, PUBLISH 




Copyright, 1888, by A. T. B. De Witt. 



A RED LETTER DAY. 



CHARACTERS. 






Theophilus Bunce, a man of ideas. 
Christopher Cobkek, an ex-farmer. 
Henry Higgins, a village apothecary. 
Adolphus, Corker's son, 
Felix, a tolerably likely young lawyer. 
Captain Grabem, of the police. 



Mr. Matchem, a matrimonial agent. 

Benjamin, waiter in a restaurant. 

Joseph, Matcliem's servant. 

Policeman. 

Miss Laura Bunce, an elderly spinster. 

Blanche, Buuce's daughter. 



TIME IN REPRESENTATION.— ABOUT TWO HOURS. 



COSTUMES.— Of the present time. 



SCENERY. 

ACT I.— A comfortably furnished sittiug-room in Bunce's house. Door in flat c; 
also r. 3 e. and L. 3 e.; sofa r. 1 e. ; small table with tin cash box on it L. 2 E. ; card 
table c; arm-chair r. c; chairs at table c. and table l. 

ACT II.— Interior of a somewhat stylish restaurant. Tables R. and L. along side 
walls; door in flat c; also L. 1 e. 

ACT III. — Room in police station. Door in flat c. and at l. 1 or 2 e. ; desk l. 3 e. ; 
benches along wall R. ; window R. 2 e. ; rope hanging on hook b. u. e.; piece of 
plastering backed up by bricks l. u. e. 

ACT IV. — Reception-room in Matchem's house. Door in flat c; also r. 1 e. and 
L. 1 E. ; fireplace with fire burning l. 2 E. ; small table l. 3 e. ; sofa and easy chair 
B.; chairs, etc. 



PROPERTIES 



Act I.— Cards for players; newspaper for Cobkeb; watch for Laura; letters for 
Blanche; handkerchief for Corker; paper and pencil for do.; pencil for Felix; 
hat for do. 

Act II. — Dust brush for Benjamin; small volume of poems for do.; cigars for 
Adolphus; small tart for Benjamin; pencil and card /or Adolphus; travelling 
satchels for Laura and Blanche and others; blue gingham umbrella for Bunce; 
bill of fare for Benjamin; letter for Laura; pickaxe for Corker; bracelets, snuff- 
boxes, opera glass, and fans in Laura's bag; server with dishes and eatables on it 
for Benjamin: watch for Bunce; slip of paper for Benjamin; watch, with broken 
chain attached, in Bunce's umbrella. 

Act III.— Chisel in Corker's bag; rope on wall r. 

Act IV.— Watch, telegraph dispatch, and letter 'for Matchem; plaster in Bunce's 
handkerchief. 



STAGE DIRECTIONS. 

R. means Right of Stage, facing the Audience; L. Left; C. Centre; R. C. Right of 
Centre; L. C. Left of Centre; D. F. Door in the Flat, or Scene running across the 
back of the Stage; C. D. F. Centre Door in the Flat; R. D. F. Right Door in the 
Flat; L. D. F. Left Door in the Flat; R. D. Ri<*ht Door; L. D. Left Door; 1 E. First 
Entrance; 2 K. Second Entrance; U. E. Upper Entrance; 1, 2 or 3 G. First, Second 
or Third Groove. 

R. R. C. C. L. C. L. 

*®» The reader is supposed to be upon the stage facing the audience — : 

t For Synopsis see last page. 



TMP92-009227 



A EED LETTER DAY. 



ACT L 

SCENE. — Sitting-room in Bunce's house. 

Blanche, Higgins, Felix, and Bunce discovered seated at table, a, 
'playing cards. Laura seated l. absorbed in reverie. Corker 
reading newspaper in arm-chair, r. 

Blanche. Don't you want to play, Aunt Laura? 

Laura. No, my dear; I am in no hurry. 

Felix {to Laura). You shall have my place in a moment, Miss Bunce. 

Corker. By Jove ! this is a singular advertisement. 

All. What is it? 

Cork, {reading). "A lady of a severe type of beaut}', but in whom 
dignity does not exclude grace, enjoying an income of one thousand 
pounds from property invested in railway shares, desires to marry an 
honest man ; either a widower or a single gentleman preferred. He must 
possess good health, a cheerful disposition, and be of mature years. Mo- 
ney not a requisite. The lady is willing to live in the country, if desired. 
For further information address Mr. X., 617 Fulham St." 

Bunce. Ah ! I know that advertisement by heart. I have seen it in 
my paper every day for the Inst three years. I bet ten shillings, {aside, 
pressing his face) How my tooth does ache! 

Felix. I call you. 

Higgins. How much is the bet? 

Felix. Ten shillings. 

Hig. I raise it five. 

Cork. Can you comprehend how any woman with any sense of 
shame 

Lau. Why, I don't see anything very bad in it. Often a poor woman 
vegetates unknown in some country town— in another rural village 
breathes perhaps an ignored, melancholy being, who would make her 
happy. The advertisement brings them together. 

Hig. They do say that very happy marriages are brought about in this 
way. As for myself, being a single man, I never read a matrimonial 
advertisement without indulging in reveries, in blissful dreams. 

Cork. Nonsense ! When one wants to marry, one goes into society 
and looks about him. When I married Mrs. Corker, my poor sainted 
Amelia, I went into society and looked about me. {aside) Ahem !— with 
my eyes shut. 

Bunce. Come, come ! Go on with the game ; we are wasting time. 
Deal the cards, Felix. (Felix deals.) 



4 A RED LETTER DAY. 

Lau, {looking at watch). Quarter of nine ! I think I will play now. 

Hig. Wait! Let us finish this hand lirst. 

Felix {yielding his place). Oh ! no. I beg you to take my place, Miss 
Bunce. 

Hig. {to Laura). You want to play all the time. It is selfish 

Lau. {sharply). Mr. Higgins, 1 am not taking your place! Be polite, 
if you know how. 

Hig. {furious). Miss Bunce! 

Bunce. Come, come, don't quarrel. You two are always disputing. 
(Laura takes seat proffered by Felix.) 

Blanche. I don't cure to play any longer. Will you take my place, 
Mr. Corker? {rises and Corker takes her seat. She crosses to Felix) 
Now, Felix, you will have a tiresome quarter of an hour with me. 

Felix (in a low tone). Ah ! Miss Blanche, the happiest moments of 
my existence are those passed by your side, (they go tip r., talking to- 
gether — the players deal anew and commence playing.) 

Cork. I pass. 

Lau. So do I. 

Hig. I will bet five shillings. 

Bunce. I raise you ten. 

Hig. I see your ten, and go you ten better. 

Bunce. What! (looks at his hand) I see it and raise you ten. 

Hig. (aside). He's bluffing, I know he is. (aloud) Ten better than you. 

Bunce (aside). Bless my soul ! this is getting serious, (aloud) I raise 
it ten. 

Hig. (hesitating). Well, I call yon"; 

Bunce (triumphantly). Three sevens! 

Hig. They are not good. I have three eights ! 

All. Oh! 

Bunce {rising, angrily). Just my infernal luck. I will never touch a 
card again. What they ever wanted to introduce that confounded Amer- 
ican game into England for, is more than I can see. 

All {imtgfring). Don't lose your temper, Mr. Bunce. 

Bunce. Ah ! you may laugh, but I see nothing droll about it. (all rise 
from card-table.) 

Lau. Now, Blanche, bring on the box. It is almost time to open it. 

Blanche (takes tin box from table l.). Oh ! how heavy it is. {hands 
it to Bunce. ) 

Bunce. I don't wish to boast ; but, without vanity, I think that I may 
fairly claim that my idea was a happy one. 

Hig. I bei>' your pardon, Mr. Bunce ; it was my idea. 

Bunce. Excuse me, doctor. You, I admit, proposed to establish a 
fund— that is to say, we were each to put in a shilling every evening we 
plaved. 

Hig. Well? 

Bunce. Yes; but for what purpose? You wanted us to take it out 
every Saturday night, and spend it for a supper. Then, if I may be per- 
mitted so to express myself, I took a broader view of the matter. I 
proposed to let the fund accumulate for a year, at the end of which time 
we should have a nice little sum to spend — a hundred pounds perhaps. 

All (incredulous). Oh ! 

Bunce. Well, the year is up to-night, and we shall know presently just 
how much we have. At nine o'clock we will proceed to count the fund. 
Suppose we find that we have a, hundred pounds? 

Cork. What a spree we will have! 

Hig. We will order a banquet worthy of a king! 



A RED LETTER DAY. 5 

Bunce. In about five minutes we shall know the exact amount, and 
then we will decide what to do with it. It is an important question, and 
we must deliberate calmly and dispassionately, (putting his hand to his 
face, aside) Oh ! that confounded tooth — how it aches! 

Lau. Blanche, has the postman been here? 

Blanche. Not yet aunt; it is about time for him now. (knock c.) Oh ! 
here he is. {runs out c.) 

Lau. (aside). Every time I hear his knock my heart flutters like a 
wounded bird. 

Blanche (entering a). A letter for you, Aunt Laura. 

Lau. For me? 

Blanche (handing letter). Yes, and one for Mr. Corker. 

Lau. (looking at letter, aside). That writing— great heavens I 

Bunce. Who is your letter from, Laura? 

Lau. (confused). Nobody — I mean, my dressmaker. 

Cork, (looking at letter). Ah ! from my son — from Adolphus. I sent 
him to the Agricultural College at Wexhain to learn farming. He wanted 
to be a photographer, but I gave him a good thrashing, and said to him, 
you shall be a farmer, because a farmer 

Bunce. Yes, yes; we have heard all that before. 

Cork. Now let's see what he says, {sits r. and opens letter.) 

Bunce (shrugging his shoulders). Well, hurry up, then. 

Hig. (aside). Oh ! this is insupportable. Corker always will insist on 
reading his letters aloud. 

Cork, (reading). "Dear papa, I write to tell you that they seem very 
well satisfied with me. I have been advanced in my studies, and they 
have put me into the stable " 

Bunce. The stable ! Corker, we don't care to listen to these agricul- 
tural details. Read your letter to yourself. 

Cork. I am not reading aloud for your benefit, Mr. Bunce, but for my 
own. If I don't read aloud I never understand what I am reading. 
(continuing in loud voice) "Into the stable ; but I have not had much 
opportunity to show what I can do. I have one sick cow to attend to. 
She does not eat or drink, and has a bad cough." (S2ieaks) Poor beast! 
she must have hay fever, (reading) " I am enjoying good health." (speaks) 
There, you see he is getting on. 

Bunce. Hurry up, Corker; we are waiting. 

Cork. That is all. (reading) "I am, dear papa, your affectionate son, 
who begs you to send him his month's allowance at once." 

All (with a sigh of relief ). Thank Heaven, he is done! 

Blanche. Papa, it is nine o'clock. 

Lau. (aside, taking out letter). Oh! this letter; it burns my fingers! 
I am wild to know what it contains. I must hasten to my room to~read 
it. [Exit, r. 

Bunce. Now, gentlemen, now we will proceed to count the contents 
of our bank. The key, you know, we threw away, so that no one should 
by any chance have access to the money. I w'ill now force the cover. 
(does so. Exclaims, pressing his hand to his face) Oh ! how my tooth 
aches. 

Cork. I'll tell you what to do, Bunce ; take a little piece of cotton 

Hig. (interrupting). I'll tell you how to cure it. When you go to bed, 
take a little brandy and hold it all night in your mouth without swallow- 
ing it. 

Bunce. But suppose I go to sleep? 

Hig. Oh ! that's all right. Sleep as much as you please, only don't 
swallow the brandy. 



6 A RED LETTER DAY. 

Blanche. You had better see a dentist, papa. 

Bunce. There is none in this little town. The blacksmith does all the 
tootli pulling- here. He owns a mule, you know; he ties a string- to 
your tooth, and the other end to the mule ; then he fires a pistol. Bang ! 
the mule jumps — and you are relieved. 

Cork. I believe that he hits quite a practice in that line. 

Bunce {putting his hand into the box and taking out money). Now 
all sit down, {all bat Felix and Blanche sit around table c.) Let us ar- 
range thain in piles of twenty, {all take pieces out of box and begin 
counting.) 

Hig. {counting). One, two, three, four, five. 

Cork. Six, seven, eight. 

Bunce. Nine, ten — why, no ! — three, four. You confuse me, Corker. 

Cork. I did not speak to you. 

Bunce. You did not speak to me, but you said, seven, eight, and that 
made me say nine, ten. I don't know where I was. 

Cork. Neither do I. 

Htg. We will begin over again, {counting) One, two, three, four, five. 

Cork. Six. seven, eight. 

Bunce. Nine, ten— No! Oh! we mix each other all up. Corker, 
take part of these and go somewhere else and count them. 

Hig. Corker and I will go into your private office. 

Cork. And we will come back as soon as we have finished counting. 
{They take coins in handkerchief and exeunt, l. 

Bunce {counting). Two, four, six. 

Blanche {to Felix). Papa is alone. Now is your time to speak to 
him. Felix. 

Felix. What! to-night? 

Blanche. For three days you have hesitated. You will never have a 
better opportunity. 

Bunce {joyously). Four pounds .already I 

Blanche. Look, he is smiling— he is in good humor. Come, courage ! 
I will go and find aunt. [Exit, r. 

Felix {aside). I tremble like a schoolboy. It is ridiculous, {aloud) 
Ahem ! Mr. Bunce ! 

Bunce {counting). Twelve, thirteen. 

Felix. Overcome as I am by emotion 

Bunce {vexed). Hey ! Did 'you speak ? Oh ! I don't know where I 
■was. You put me out. 

Felix. Twelve, thirteen. 

Bunce. So I was. Fourteen, fifteen 

Felix. The deep emotion which I feel must convince you 

Bunce. Help me, will you, Felix? that's a good fellow; I shall get 
through quicker. 

Felix. Willingly. 

Bunce. Put them in piles of twenty, {counting) Seventeen, eighteen. 

Felix. Mr. Bunce, for eighteen months I have kown your daughter 
Blanche 

Bunce. You're not counting ! 

Felix (counting). Three, four, five— and I could not remain insensi- 
ble ■ 

Bunce. One, two 

Felix. Six, seven— to all her charms. 

Bunce. Three, four 

Felix. I love her— eight, nine— and I have the honor— ten, eleven 

Bunce. Seven, eight. 



A RED LETTER DAY. 7 

Feltx. I repeat, I have the honor — twelve, thirteen, fourteen— to ask 
you tor your daughter's hand. 

Bunce. Hello! here's a button ! That makes two that I have found. 

Felix (aside). He did not hear me. (louder) I have the honor to ask 
you for your daughter's hand. 

Bunce. Wait a moment. Eighteen, nineteen, twenty— another pile. 
That makes seven — seven pounds! {beginning to count again) One, two 
— My dear Felix— three, four — I appreciate the honor you do me. 

Felix. Oh ! Mr Bunce ! 

Bunce. Let me see ; where was I ? 

Felix. Three, four 

Bunce. Five, six— Your demaud honors me— seven, eight, nine — I will 
consider it seriously. Another button ! Who the deuce could have put 
them in ? 

Felix. I did not; I beg you to believe that I did not. 

Bunce. Marriage, young man— an overcoat button, upon my word! — 
has its pleasures and its joys, and also its duties and its sorrows. 

Felix. I know it ; and believe me, my whole life 

Bunce. Let me see; how much lmve we? 

I'elix (sitting). First, I have my property left me by my father 

Bunce (arranging piles). Five here, four there, that makes 

Felix (continuing). Ten thousand pounds. 

Bunce. What! Ten thousand pounds? 

Felix. That is what he left me. 

Bunce. My boy, you confuse me. I was talking about thcs< piles, and 
you tell me how much your father left you. 1 will go into the ether room 
and finish counting, (gathers up money.) 

Felix. But may I hope, Mr. Bunce? 

Bunce. Certainly, if my daughter loves you. (aside) Who on earth 
could have put in all those buttons? [Exit with box and money, r. 

Felix. Oh ! yes, she loves me. I am am sure of it ; and Mr. Bunce 
tells me I may hope. I am the happiest fellow in the world. Ah ! here 
comes the aunt. 

Enter Laura, r. 

Lau. (excited). I was not deceived — the letter icas from him. (walks 
back and forth.) 

Felix (following her back and forth). I have just been speaking to 
your brother, Miss Bunce. 

Lau. (not heeding him). At the very first line I thought I should have 
fainted. 

Felix. She does not listen to me. Well, I will go aud tell Blanche. 
She will listen to me, I know she will. [Exit, c 

Lau. (alone). The matter is very pressing. He tells me to be in Lon- 
don to-morrow night at half past eight. Shall I keep the appointment? 
My future happiness may be at stake ; but then, what a step for me to 
take. Oh ! shade of my mother, inspire your child ! (changing her tone) 
I will go: but how can I do it? how arrange this departure without ex- 
citing their suspicions? I cannot go alone. Can I induce my brother 
to accompany me? I should have to tell him all. Oh! never, never! 
(seeing Blanche, who enters c.) My niece! I must be calm. 

Blanche (coming down). Oh ! aunt, if you only knew how happy I 
am. 

Lau. Indeed! 

Blanche. Felix loves me, and has spoken to papa, and papa told him 
to hope. 



8 A RED LETTER DAY. 

Lau. What! you love Felix? 

Blanche. I love him dearly. 

Lau. It is verv singular. 

Blanche. Why? 

Lau. Because you are so much alike. The same complexion, the 
same hair, the same eyes, the same tastes, the same everything. It is 
very insipid. 

Blanche (amazed). What do you mean ? 

Lau. What a tame life you two will lead. No storms, no tempests — a 
perfectly calm and peaceful existence. You will be like two little lambs 
in the same pasture. 

Blanche (vexed). Two lambs! I am sure Felix is a delightful young 
man. Oh ! he has had such a brilliant idea. 

Lau. He have an idea! 

Blanche. Yes, he proposes to take the money in the box and give a 
ball with it. 

Lau. A ball ! Why, who is there in this wretched little town to come 
to it? 

Blanche. To-morrow night. 

Lau. To-morrow ! (aside) It is impossible. My appointment ! 

Blanche. What do you say to that ? 

Lau. {indifferently)'. Well,"it is not a bad idea, (aside) Oh ! if I only 
could— {aloud) but I have another idea — a more original one. 

Blanche. What is it, aunt? 

Lau. What do you say to an excursion to London? If you are to be 
married, it will be a good opportunity to do some shopping. 

Blanche. Oh ! what fun. 

Lau. Still, if you prefer the ball 

Blanche. But I do not. 1 would much rather go to London. 

Lau. Well, we will see what your father says. 

Blanche. Oh ! I will make him consent to go. 

Lau. To-morrow! We must go to-morrow. 

Enter Bunce, r. 

Bunce. There, it is all counted. Oh ! how my tooth aches! 

Blanche. How Hushed you are, papa. 

Buncb. It is that confounded tooih. It will drive me mad. 

Blanche. Oh ! poor papa, your cheek is all swelled up. 

Lau. I do not see it. 

Blanche. Oh ! dreadfully swelled. If I were in your place, I know 
what I would do. 

Bunce. Take some brandy and hold it in your mouth? 

Blanche. No; I would 2,0 to London and consult a dentist. 

Lau. Yes, at once— to-morrow, {aside) She has more cunning than I 
gave her credit for. 

Bunce. Nonsense ! You're joking. Such a journey just on account 
Of a toothache ! 

Blanche. Only one hour in the cars, papa. 

Bunce. Besides it is expensive. 

Blanche. There miirht, perhaps, be a way of making the journey 
without its costing anything. 

Bunce. How? 

"Blanche. Whv, suppose we 

Bunce (interrupting). Oh ! my dears, I have an idea— a great idea— a 
magnificent idea? Suppose we go and spend the fund we have accu- 
mulated in London? 



A RED LETTER DAY. 9 

Lau. That is a magnificent idea — a stroke of genius! How did you 
happen to think of it? 

Bunce {tapping his forehead). It's this I have a great bruin ! Thai's 
all there is to it. 

Blanche. And you can go to the dentist's while we visit the shops. 

Lau. And I can keep my ap 

Bunce. Your what? 

Lau. {quickly correcting herself). Nothing. We will visit all the 
sights. 

Bunce. The Tower, the Museum, the Houses of Parliament, the Wax 
Works • 

Blanche. But will the others agree? 

Bunce. We must handle them adroitly, {voices outside) Here they 
come! Leave me to manage them. 

Enter Higgins and Corker, pencil and paper in hand, l. 

Cork, {gravely). As the result of counting the money confided to my 
care, I find that I have a total amount of £20,6.9. I ought to add, to be 
perfectly exact, that I found several buttons mingled with the coins. 

Hig. And so did I. 

Bunce. And I also. 

Blanche. Buttons ! 

Cork. Some one must have been cheating. 

Hig. Well, gentlemen, I found that what I counted amounted to 
£19,5.9. 

Bunce. And mine to £50,11*. 

Cork, {who has put the several amounts down on a slip of paper); 
The grand total of the fund then amounts to 

All. How much? 

Cork. £90, 2s. 

All. Ah! 

Cork. Plus several buttons. 

Bunce. That is a pretty little fund. 

Hig. Magnificent ! 

Cork. I wouldn't have believed that it would have been so much. 

Bunce. Now, then, gentlemen, the moment has arrived when, after 
mature deliberation, we must decide what is to be done with the money. 

All. Yes, yes! 

Enter Felix, c. 

Bunce. Ah ! Felix, come in. You have a voice in this matter! Now, 
all sit down, {all sit) I need not remind you that calmness and moder- 
ation must govern our action. We must remember that honest differ- 
ences of opinion should not arouse any feelings of bitterness among us. 
{seats himself— aside) How that confounded tooth does ache! 

Felix {aside). Papa-in-law doesn't look happy. 

Bunce. Who wants to speak first? 

Hig. and Cork. I do. 

Bunce {aside). I think we are going to have a nice little discussion. 
{aloud) Excuse me ; who was it asked to speak first ? 

Hig. and Cork. I! 

Bunce. The devil ! You can't both speak at once. 

Felix. Ordinarily in deliberative bodies the younger yields to the 
older. 

Bunce. All right. Higgins, you have the floor. 



10 A RED LETTER DAY. 

Hig. Excuse me ; Corker is older than I am. 

Cork. I? Well, I like that. I am much younger than you are, and 
you know it. 

Hig. It is false! I will not speak lirst. 

Bunce. Good gracious ! And I was counting upon a brilliant discus- 
sion. Come, come, gentlemen, don't let your angry passions rise. 

Hig. Well, I will speak, not because I am the older, but because I am 
the more reasonable. 

Bunce. That is right. 

Hig. I will be shoYt. 

Bunce. We are sorry to hear that. 

Hig. Thank you. Ladies and gentlemen, we find ourselves the pos- 
sessors of a considerable sum, a windfall I may call it. Something 
startlingly great is expected of us. I propose that we order a grand 
banquet. 

All. Oh! no. 

Bunce. Silence! You shall all have an opportunity to be heard. 

Lau. I don't want a banquet. I never eat. 

Bunce. Now, Corker, we will hear from you. 

Cork. Ahem ! ahem ! Ladies and gentlemen, it is lovely weather — 
the roads are in good condition. I propose that we hire carriages and 
drive about the country. 

All {murmur). Oh! no. 

Hig. What an idiotic idea ! 

Bunce. Are there any other propositions? 

Felix. I have something to propose. 

Blanche {in an low tone to him). Don't say anything about the ball; 
we have changed our plans. 

Felix (aside to Blanche). Ah ! if that is so 

Bunce. Felix, you have the floor. 

Felix. I— that is— never mind, (sits) I will agree to anything you 
decide upon. 

Bunce. Gentlemen ! Ahem ! 

All. Silence ! Listen ! 

Bunce. This reunion being at my house, I ought to speak last. My 
turn has come. I ask your kind attention. 

All. Good! good! 

Bunce. Gentlemen, London is the capital of the world, (aside) Gra- 
cious, how that tooth aches ! (aloud) There you can find a dentist — 
(correcting himself) I mean the headquarters of every industry and 
amusement. I therefore fearlessly propose that we go and spend a day 
in London. 

Lau and Blan. Bravo ! 

Cork. I beg pardon; I know London well. I passed through there 
forty-one years ago. 

Hig. A journey ! We can't eat that. I thought we were going to eat 
the fund, and it seems to me that a banquet — - 

Cork. I am sure I don't wan'ttogo to London again so soon. I'd 
rather drive about the country. 

Bunce. Well, the majority must decide. 

Hig. Yes. the majority. 

Felix. Well, let us vote. 

All. Yes. let us vote. 

Felix. Shall I collect the ballots? 

Bunce. Yes : get your hat. Here are some slips of paper for ballots. 
(tears up paper.) 



A BED LETTER DAY. 11 

Lau. (to Felix). Write London. 

Felix. Very well, (writes. All deposit ballots in Felix's hat) Have all 
voted who wish ? If so, J declare the polls closed, (examines ballots) 
Silence! I will now announce the vote. Whole number of ballots, six; 
necessary for a choice, four. 

Cork. For so young a man, he makes a good presiding officer. 

Felix. London has four votes ; banquet one ; tour though the country 
one. London having received a majority of the votes, we will go to 
London. 

Hig. After all, I suppose we can get something to eat there. 

Cork. We can visit the abbatoir. I have a cousin there who is a 
butcher. 

Bunce. Besides, as it is not likely that we shall spend the whole of the 
ninety pounds on the trip, we can each purchase something as a souvenir 
of the journey with the remainder of the monej'. 

Cork. Yes, I want a pickaxe. I will buy a pickaxe. 

Hig. I — I have a plan. 

Bunce. What is it? 

Hig. Nothing— a foolish idea ; but I would like to try it. (aside) How 
that advertisement runs in my head. I will call at 617 Fulham st. It 
may bring me happiness. 

Lau. (aside). To-morrow I shall be at the place of rendezvous, (press- 
ing her heart) Be still, little flutterer, be still! 

Hig. Well, I am going home. 

Cork, and Felix. So am I. 

Bunce. We will start on the half-past-five train. You will have to rise 
early, gentlemen. 

Cork. Oh ! we'll be on hand, never fear. 

Blanche (smilingly to Felix). What shall you dream about? 

Felix (in low tone). You, love! (takes her hand and kisses it.) 

All. Good night! The live-thirty train ! 

Bunce. Great" Heavens! how my tooth does ache! (clasps his hands 
and sinks into a chair.) 

[Corker, Higgins, and Felix bow and go offc. as curtain falls. 



ACT II. 

SCENE. — Interior of a restaurant. Benjamin discovered dusting. 

Benjamin {looking at clock). Eight o'clock. I am in good season. 
We sha'n't have any customers for an hour, at least. I will just finish 
cleaning up, and then 1 shall have a good long time to devote to read- 
ing, (takes book from pocket) Byron's poems! That's the book for me. 
I never tire of it. (reads) "There was a sound of " 

Enter Adolphus, c. 

Adolphus (looking about). No, this is too expensive a place. 
Ben. What would you like, sir? Want some breakfast? 



12 A BED LETTER DAT. 

Adol. Have you anything cheap? 

Ben. Chops, beefsteak, mutton 

Adol. I want something sweet, and cheap. 

Ben. Perhaps you would like some prunes? 

Adol. Don't make fun of me. 

Ben. Wait; there is ;i fresh tart left over from yesterday. 

Adol. You are sure it is all right? 

Ben. Oh yes. {brings tart.) 

Adol. Well, I will. take it {sits) Will you have a cigar? (pulls two 
cigars out of his pocket and offers them.) 

Ben. {taking one). Thank you. Ah ! that is a two-for-a-penny cigar. 
Thank you. 

Adol. You smoke better ones? 

Ben. I smoke only Regalias. 

Adol. {eating). I would smoke them too, but my father 

Ben. Ah ! you Have a father? 

Adol. The best of men, but a country gentleman. He wants to make 
me a farmer. 

Ben. It is a noble profession. 

Adol. Noble, but dirty. I wished to be a photographer, but papa 
would not let me. He sent me to college at Wexiiam. 

Ben. To learn agriculture? 

Adol. Yes, agriculture. I, who do not know a beet from a carrot. 
(Jiuishes tart and rises) They put me in with the cows. I stood it for 
three days, and then 1 left, without saying anything to papa. 

Ben. But suppose that he should find it out? 

Adol. Oh ! I am not a fool. I write to him every month. I go to 
Wexhatn to mail my letter, and to get the four pounds allowance that 
he s n Is me. 

Ben. Four pounds! That is not much. 

Adol. The first three or four days I am all risdit, but after that I am 
always hard up. I should like to find a good situation. Ah ! I have an 
idea. How much do you make here? 

Ben. That depends upon the perquisites. About twelve pounds a 
month — sometimes more, sometimes ies3. 

Adol. Really! I shouldn't mind being a waiter myself. What is 
your name? 

Ben. Benjamin. 

Ben. Well, Benjamin, if you hear of anybody wanting a young man, 
remember me. 

Ben. I will. Will you leave me your addess? 

Adol. (tvrites on a card and gives it to him). There it is. Now I 
must go. Good morning, Benjamin, (goes up.) 

Ben. Good morning, sir. [Exit Adolphus, c. 

Ben. (alone). Well, I must say he is a nice young fellow. No beastly 
pride about him. (sits and takes out book — reads) "There was a sound 
of revelry by night—" {noise, cries o/"stop thief," etc., outside) Hello! 
(looking off c.) What's going on in the street? A man running away 
and a crowd after him ! Some pickpocket, I'll be bound. 

Enter hastily, c, Bunce, Hiogins, Corker, Laura and Blanche, the 
Ladies carrying bags and Bunce an umbrella. 

Cork. Well, I'm not sorry to have. seen that. I never saw a robber 
before in the whole course of my lif». I couldn't see but that he looked 
just like anybody else. 



A RED LETTER DAY. 13 

Lad. How lie did run ! — liow lie did run ! 

Bunce. lie passed close by me. By putting out my hand I might 
have stopped him. 

Hig. You ought to have done it. 

Bunce. But it didn't concern me. I did not come to London for that. 
Besides, lie might have hit me. {seeing Benjamin) Ah ! boy. 

Ben. Sir? 

Bunce. Can we have breakfast? 

Ben. Now? 

Cokk. Yes, at once. I am dying of hunger. 

Ben. Certainly, sir. Do you waut a private room ? 

Bunce. No ; we will eat here. 

Ben. Take that table, sir, if you please. I will get you a bill of fare. 

[Exit, l. 1 E. 

Bunce. All right. Now let's make ourselves comfortable. We wdl 
make this restaurant our headquarters, and if we like it we will come 
back and time here, {they put down their bags, etc.) 

Blanche. I can't understand how Felix missed the train. 

Cork. I thought he would. These lawyers are not early risers. 

Lau. I am tired. Let us sit down, (sinks into chair.) 

Bunce. Tired already? Why, we haven't seen anything yet. 

Hig. Whose fault is it? We started to see some of the sights, and you 
took us to the dentist's, and there we had to wait while you hail your 
tooth pulled. Of course we have to do as you say. 

Bunce. Mr. Higgins, you are bitter. I do not wish you any harm, but 
if you should happen to break your arm I should esteem it a real pleasure 
to take you to a, surgeon. I should not regret the inconvenience. I 
should not complain." I 
your selfish nature to get the better of you. 

Cork. I hope the dentist relieved you. 

Bunce. Oh ! entirely. He burned the nerve, but that did no good, so 
he pulled the tooth. It cost me ten shillings. I took it out of the fund. 

Hig. Ten shillings ! A perfect swindle. 

Enter Benjamin, l. 1 e. 

Ben. Here is the bill of fare. sir. 

Bunce. Give it to me ; I will order. 

Hig. You will order? We'll all order. 

Bunce (sharply). Oh ! if everybody wishes to take command, I resign. 

Blanche. Papa!— dear papa! 

Lau. Brother! 

Bunce. Mr. Higgins wishes to dictate to us. 

Hig. Why, I said nothing. 

Cork, (aside). They are always pitching into each other, (alo)id) Come 
now, no quarrelling, gentlemen. Let each one say what he wants. I 
think we ought first to explain to the waiter that we are a party from 
the country, come to spend a day in London, (to waiter) We have a little 
fund picked tip a shilling at a time, which we want to spend. You un- 
derstand? 

Ben. (aside). Money they have picked up! What sort of people are 
they? I'll keep -a sharp eye on them. 

Hig. Well, what are we going to have? I am dying of hunger. 

Ben. Would you like some mutton chops? 

Bunce. Oh ! no ; no mutton. 

Hig. We eat that every day. 



14 A RED LETTER DAY. 

Cork. I sell it. 

Ben. Then perhaps a fillet or steaks? 

Hig. Oh ! no beef. 

Bunce. Wait ! We had better tell him what we don't want. We do 
not wish mutton, nor beef, for veal, nor tripe. 

Ben. Perhaps the ladies would like a slice of melon? 

Blanche. Oh ! yes, we will have some melon, papa. 

Bunce. Wait! Let us see what the price is. (looks at bill of fare — 
reads) "One slice of melon, Is." 

Hig. For the month of February, that is not dear. 

Cork. It is very cheap. 

Bunce (to waiter). Bring us five slices of melon. 

Ben. All right, sir. What will you have after that? 

Hig. {looking at bill of fare). Let's have some whitebait. 

Cork. Yes, yes, I like that. I don't know what it is made of, but I 
like it. 

Bunce (to Higgtns). How much is it? 

Hig. (looking at bill of fare). Two shillings. 

Bunce. That is very cheap, very cheap indeed. 

Cork. Wonderfully cheap. 

Bunce (in low tone to the others}. I did well to bring you here, their 
prices are very low. (to waiter) Whitebait for five. 

Ben. All right, sir. What next? 

Bunce. Next? We must have something out of the usual course- 
something extraordinary — something delicate. 

Cork. Yes, yes — nothing hackneyed. 

Hig. Wait! I believe I have found it. (reads from bill of fare) "Vol 
au vent a la Plenipoteutiaire." 

All. Ah ! a French dish. 

Bunce. I wonder what it is. 

Lau. (to waiter). What is it. boy? 

Ben. It is a new dish. It is made of fish with little pieces of seasoned 
squirrel, anchovies, olives, oysters, lettuce, and truffles. 

Hig. By Jove! that must be good. 

Cork. 1 move that we have it. 

All. Yes, yes! 

Bunce (to waiter). Vol au vent for five, and see that it is well cooked, 
and be sure that there is plenty of squirrel in it. 

Ben. All right, sir. 

Bunce. How lonu- shall we have to wait? 

Ben. Ready in half an hour, sir. (aside) Well, upon my word, they 
are a queer set. [Exit, l. 1 e. 

Cork. Half an hour! I propose that we go and see the tower. 

Blanche. Oh ! yes, papa, let us go to the tower. 

Bunce. An excellent idea. It is close by. 

Lau. (in low tone to Bunce). Remain here— I have a confidential com- 
munication to make to you ! 

Bunce (amazed) A communication? 

Lau. (low tone). An important one. 

Hig. I have a little matter of business to attend to. It won't take me 
long. I will rejoin you here. [Exit, c. 

Bunce (to Blanche). Your aunt is fatigued. I will remain with her. 
You can go with Mr. Corker. 

Blanche. Very well, papa. 

Cork. Come, Miss Blanche ; we will also go and see Cleopatra's needle. 



A RED LETTER DAY. 15 

I will tell you all about it. It was brought from Egypt all in one single 
piece. [.They exeunt, o. 

Bunce. Now we are alone, what is it? 

Lau. It is— Oh ! I cannot, I cull not tell you. 

Bunce. God bless me! you didn't leave anything in the train? 

Lau. No, I left nothing— it is not that. Theophilus, you are my 
brother — my only friend ! Swear to me that you will not curse me. 

Bunce {amazed). I! curse you? What are you talking about? 

Lau. Swear! 

Bunce. But why should I swear? I never did such a thing in my life. 

Lau. (with an effort). Theophilus, I have done wrong, very wrong. 
(Benjamin appears l. a)id listens.) 

Bunce. You? OIi ! come now. 

Lau. I am guilty, very guilty. I ought to have asked your permis- 
sion. 

Bunce {sternly). But I never should have given it. 

{Exit Benjamin, l. 

Lau. The lady of whom you have read for three years— the advertise- 
ment in the paper 

Bunce. Aii ! yes— who is willing to live in the country. 

Lau. Theophilus, Jam that lady ! 

Bunce. What! Is that your crime? And that is where your money 
has gone? It was an excellent idea; but have you had any nibbles? 

Lau. Yes, one, and if I land him 

Bunce. What ! you have caught a gudgeon? 

Lau. {taking letter from pocket). Read this letter, which I received 
yesterday. 

Bunce {opening letter). Signed X. Who is this X. ? 

Lau. Mr. Matchein, a matrimonial agent. 

Bunce. Ah ! (reading). " Madame— Come at once. I have a man for 
you — a man of high position, light complexion, auburn hair, cheerful 
disposition, and imposing figure. An interview is arranged for to-morrow 
evening at eight o'clock." 

Lau. That is to-night. 

Bunce (reading). "At my house. 617 Fulham st. Be punctual, and if 
possible be accompanied by some member of your family." (speaks) We 
must write to him at once, and let him know that we are in London. 

Lau. It is done already. Last night I'could not sleep, and before we 
left I sent him a dispatch. 

Bunce. Three shillings! You might have saved that. 

Lau. Theophilus, can I rely upon you to accompany me? 

Bunce. Certainly. I should be delighted. Whv, we will all go. 

Lau. What! Mr. Higgins and Mr. Corker? 

Bunce. We will not tell them what you are going for. 

Lau. (throwing herself upon her knees). Oh! Theophilus. tell me, I 
implore you, that }ou are not angry with me — that you do not despise 
me! # 

Bunce. I? On the contrary, my dear child, I am perfectly delighted. 

Lau. What? 

Bunce. Yes ; because for a long time — I don't suppose you have real- 
ized it, but it is a fact — you have "been exceedingly bitter and disagreea- 
ble—I may say almost insupportable. 

Lau. Theophilus ! 

Bunce. Some one is coming. We will resume this conversation later. 

Enter Adolphus, c. 



16 A RED LETTER DAY. 

Adol. 1 wonder if Benjamin is busy? 
Bunce and Lau. What ! Adolphus? 
Adol. (bowing)*. Why, Mr. Bunce— Miss Bunce! 
Bunce. Your father is here ! 
Adol. (draicing back). No! 

Bunce. He luis gone to the tower, but is coming- back to breakfast. 
Adol. What! In this restaurant? 
Lau. You had better wait for him. 

Adol. Ah ! lie has gone to the tower. I will go and find him. (starts 
to go. ) 
Bunce. No need of that. Here lie is. 
Adol. (aside). Caught, by Jove! 

Eater Corker and Blanche, c. Corker carries a pickaxe. 

Cork. Here we are. I bought a pickaxe. I have longed fo/ one. It 
has been the dream of my life, and now I have it. 

Blanche. Yes, it was delightful to walk along the streets with a man 
carrying a pickaxe. 

Adol. Papa! 

Cork, (surprised). My boy! (embracing him) Well, how is she? 

Adol. She! Who? 

Cork. The cow. 

Adol. Very sick, thank you. 

Lau. (sitting). I think we had better make out a list of our commis- 
sions. 

Bunce. That is a, good idea. We shall have our hands full. Every- 
body seemed to know that we were coming, and we have errands to do 
for the whole town. 

Cork, (to Adolphus). But how does it happen that yon are not at 
Wexham? 

Adol. I? Why, I was sent to bring the cow to London for a consul- 
tation, which takes place at two o'clock. 

Cork. A consultation of doctors over a cow ! 

Adol. By the way, papa, since I have met you, if you could give me 
my month's allowance now, it would save you the expense of a postage 
stamp. 

Cork. That is true, (stopping himself) But no— you are alone in Lon- 
don — you might spend it foolishly. 

Adol. Oh ! no, papa. 

Cork. I will give it to you to-night, when you start for Wexham. 

Bunce. Oh ! I forgot to tell you. We have an invitation for this 
evening. 

Cork. Where? 

Bunce. A delightful party — music — supper— punch — nt the house of 
one of my friends, an old companion— (asifle to Laura) What the devil 
is his name? 

Lau. (asnte to Bunce). Matchem. " 

Bunce. Matchem, a. retired merchant. 

Blanche. Oh ! papa, will there be dancing? 

Bunce. Of course. It is a grand affair. 

Blanche. But we have nothing to wear. 

Bunce. Oh! it is a grand affair, but perfectly informal. You can go 
just as you are. 

Cork. That will be charming. Can I take my boy along? 

Adol. But I must go back to Wexham, papa. 



A RED LETTER DAY. 17 

Cork. No, you shall stay. I want you to see something of the world. 
Besides, I shall not give you your allowance until lifter the party. 

Adol. Very well, I will meet you there. Where does Mr. Matchem 
live? 

Lau. No. 617 Fulham st. Now for a list of our commissions, (opens 
bag and takes out bracelets, snuff-boxes, and fans.) 

Enter Benjamin, l., with breakfast on server. 

Ben. (aside). What are they up to? 

Bunce. Bracelets, snuft'-boxes, fans! You have stripped the town. 

Ben. (arranging breakfast, aside). Stripped the town ! Where did 
they get all those things? 

Bunce. It's a confounded nuisance, all these errands for our neighbors. 
We must divide them up amongst us, and get rid of them as soon as 
possible, ami then we can attend strictly to pleasure. 

Ben. (aside). Divide them ! That is queer. 

Enter Higgins, c. 

Hig. (panting). I hope I haven't kept you waiting. Hello, Adolphus ! 
how are you, my boy ? 

Adol. (aside). The village apothecary! (aloud) Mr. Higgins! 

Lau. (to Higgins). How red you are! 

Hig. I have been running. 

Ben. Your b 

All. Good ! 

Cork. You will stay and breakfast with us, Adolphus? 

Adol. Thank you, I have breakfasted. I must go to the cow ; she 
needs constant attention. I will see you this evening. 617 Fulham si., 
I think you said? 

Ben. (aside to Adolphus). I think I have found a place for you? 

Adol. (aside to Benjamin). Hush ! I will see you later, (all except 
Adolphus sit at table and begin eating.) 

Cork. Well, my boy, we will see you in the evening then, {aside to 
him) Be sure and have your hair frizzed. [Exit Adolphus, c. 

Bunce (looking at his watch). Eleven o'clock. We must not lose any 
time. Boy, bring me the bill now, and I will be looking it over while we 
are eating. 

Ben. All right, sir. [Exit, l. 

Lau. Now let us arrange our programme. First, we must attend to 
our commissions. 

Hig. Then, I propose that we go to the Wax Works. 

He-enter Benjamin, l. 

Ben. (handing paper). Here is your bill, sir. 

Bunce. Now iet me see. Total — what! twenty pounds ten shillings ! 
All (springing to their feet). Twenty pounds ! 

Bunce (ijo'inting). What are those dishes there? W r e did not order 
them. 
Ben. Those are finger glasses — water and lemon. 
Hig. Take them away! 

Ben. (taking them). But there is no charge for them. 
All (exasperated). Then bring them back! 
Bunce. Twenty pounds! You think, young man, as we are from the 



18 A RED LETTER DAY. 

country, that you can swindle us; but you will find yourself mightily 
mistaken. 

Ben. But, sir 

Cork. We are up to all your tricks, my boy. 

Hig. Besides, the price is on the bill of fare. 

Bunce. Give me the bill of fare. 

Ben. Here it is, sir. 

Bunce. I knew it. Melon, one shilling a slice. 

Cork, {looking at bill). And you have charged us ten shillings, you 
scoundrel ! 

Ben. Ten shillings is right, sir; the frame conceals the cipher. 

All {looking). Oh ! 

Hig. But the whitebait— two shillings? 

Ben. Twenty shillings, sir; the frame conceals the cipher. 

All {looking). Oh ! 

Lau. We have been swindled. 

Bunce. But we will not pay it. Where is the proprietor? 

Bkn. He is in the office. Perhaps you had better go and see him. 

All. We will. [Exeunt Bunce, Corker, Laura and Blanche, l. 

Hig. I don't care to enter into any dispute about my meals. I am 
going out to take the air. I have a great mind to go and call on that 
X., 617 Fulham St. That advertisement runs in my head. It is a mad 
idea ; but who knows what may come of it? My future happiness may 
be — (calling) Boy! 

Ben. Yes, sir. 

Hig. Is Fulham st. f;ir from here? 

Ben. No, sir. Take the first turn to the right, and it is the second 
street on the left. 

Hig. Thank you. Tell the rest of the party that I will meet them at 
the Wax Works in an hour. 

Ben. All right, sir. 

Hig. {aside). First turn to the right, second street on the left. I'll go. 
An irresistible impulse urges me onward. [Exit, c. 

Ben. {looking l ). They are lighting like mad. These people don't 
inspire me with any conHdence. 

Enter Bunce, Corker, Laura and Blanche, l. 

Bunce {speaking off). Send for whom you like. I will not pa\ T . 

Cork. {same). No. we will go to law first, I tell you that. 

Ben. I think I had better go and get a police officer. 

Bunce. A police officer ! Go and get the devil, if you want to. I 
don't care. 

Blanche {in terror). Oh ! papa. 

Lau. He would only throw oft" the ten shillings. [Exit Benjamin, c. 

Bunce (in lore tone). Let us appear to be going. The proprietor will 
then yield, {they begin to pick up bags, etc.) 

Enter Benjamin, followed by Policeman, c. 

Ben. There they are ! They will not pay. 

Bunce. You mean we will not be swindled. 

Lau. Melon, ten shillings a slice! 

Policeman. Let me see the bill of fare. 

Bunce {taking up his umbrella). Why, it is a regular trap ! — they 
cover up the ciphers. It is outrageous— infamous! (shakes umbrella — 
a watch drops out) Hello ! what is that? 



A RED LETTER DAY. 19 

All. A watch ! 

Police. To whom does this w;itch talon**? 

Bunce. It's not mine. I never saw it before. 

All. Nor mine. 

Police, (aside). The chain is broken— this watch has been stolen. 
(aloud) How did that watcli get into your umbrella? 

Bunce (amazed). I am sure I don't know. 

Ben. Search them ; they have other things in their bags. 

Police. What ! (aside) This watch, this refusal to pay— (aloud) Come, 
follow me; you can explain at the station. 

Cork. What station? 

Police. The police station. 

All. The police station ! 

Police, {to Benjamin). You come along too, and bring your bill of 
fare. 

Blanche (crying). Oh ! papa, what are they going to do with us? 

Bunce. Don't be alarmed, my child. An honest man does not fear 
to stand before a tribunal of his country. Let us go. 

Police. Follow me. Come along, (grasps Bunce by the shoulder and 
leads him out. The others gather tip their things and follow.) 

curtain. 



ACT III. 

SGJvNE.— Room in a Police Station House. 

Enter Policeman, c. 

Police, (speaking off). This way. Enter all of you. 

Enter Bunce w£& umbrella, Corker with pickaxe, Laura and Blanche 
with bags, c 

Wait here. I will go and notify the captain. 

Bunce. What captain? 

Police. Captain Grabem, who has charge of this station. He will 
question you. [Exit, l. 

Cork. They are going question us, but we have nothing to answer. 

Bunce (to Corker). Put down your pickaxe. Don't nourish it about. 

Blanche (crying). Papa., I want to go. 

Buncf. Don't be afraid, my child ; it is only a mistake. 

Lau. Great heavens! to think we are in prison. 

Bunce. But we are not in prison : we are at the police station. That 
is nothing ; respectable people go there every day. 

Cork. If you had listened to me, we should, at this very moment, be 
driving about the country. It is all your fault. 

Bunce. My fault? How could I suppose that they had the habit in 
London of depositing watches in one's umbrella? 

Lau. What did you want to bring an umbrella for? 



20 A BED LETTER DAY. 

Bunce. Why? why? Because Higgiiia told me to. He said it was 
going to rain. By the way, where is Higgins? 

Cork. I have not seen him. 

Bunce. He tied at the moment of danger. 

Blanche. Well, he, at least, is free. 

Bunce. My daughter. I would not exchange my position for his. A 
man who deserts his post 

Blanche. Oh ! papa, do you think that they will let us go? 

Bunce. Of course they will, my child. I will see the captain ; I will 
talk with him; I will inform him who we are. 

Lau. We will tell him that we came to London to see the sights 

Blanche. And the shops. 

Cork. I will repeat the story of our fund. 

Bunce. My children, if we all speak at the same time we shall he lost. 
One of us must do the talking. Choose a calm, eloquent, logical spokes- 
man. If J seem to yon to possess those qualities 

Blanche. Oh ! yes, let us have papa speak. 

Cork, {to Bunce). Speak fearlessly. I will help you out. 

Bunce. Silence! Here comes the captain. 

£ titer Captain Grabem, l. 

Captain {gruffly). Ah ! there are four of you. Sit down, {sits at desk.) 

Bunce. You are very kind, captain, {all sit — aside to the others) Look 
happy and cheerful ; smile, as if you had nothing to reproach yourselves 
with. Very good. Keep like that. 

Capt. A watch was found in an umbrella belonging to one of you — 
What are you smiling at? 

Bunce. Our smile is the outward expression of an easy conscience. 

Capt. Well, what have you got to say? 

Bunce {rising). Captain, there are in the lives of men, as in the history 
of nations, momentous crises 

Capt. I don't care anything about that. Answer my question, and be 
brief. How did that watch get into your umbrella ? 

Bunce. Before entering into the details of that mysterious affair, which 
involves the honor of an entire family, I believe it is my duty as a man, 
as a father, as a citizen, to proclaim aloud my respect for the law. I do 
not hesitate to say that for the law 

Capt. But you are not answering my question. 

Cork, {rising). Captain this is the whole truth 

Capt. Well, you speak. Take off your hat. 

Cork. Thank you: it is not uncomfortable. 

Capt. Take oft" your hat ! (to Bunce) Sit down. 

Cork, {taking off hat). You may be sure that if it had not been for our 
little fund, we should not be here. We started this morning in the five- 
thirty train, {sits.) 

Blanche. And Felix missed the train. 

Capt. Silence! But the watch ? 

Bunce {rising). If you will allow me, captain 

Capt. {angrily to Bunce). No ; sit down ! (to Corker) Go on. Stand 
up. 

Cork, {rising). I voted for a tour throagh the country, but the ma- 
jority did not wish it. 

Capt. {asid*). He's an idiot, {aloud) Yon don't live in London then? 

Bunce (ristii'j). We are children of the soil — we live in the country. 

Capt. {emphatically). Sit down! You are strangers in London? 



A RED LETTER DAY. 21 

Bunce. We curne to admire the great city. 

Capt. (to Bunce). Well, if you will speak, speak, (to Corker) Sit down. 
(to Bunce, who is sitting do ion) You stand up. {to Corker) Nut you — 
you sit down, (to Bunce) Stand up. 

Bunce (rising). Do you mean me? 

Capt. Yes. you. How did that watch get into your umbrella ? 

Bunce. I am the captaiu of a tire company, invested wilh functions 
which honor me 

Cork, (interrupting). He gave a fire engine to the town. 

Bunce. I have done much for my country. 

Cork, (rising). Captain, I am the son of a fanner, an ex-fanner my- 
self. I know nothing about the watch. 

Capt. (warmly). Very well. Sit down ! 

Bunce. We have harmed no one. 

Lau. (rising). If a pure and spotless life 

Capt. (to Laura). That will do. Sit down, madam. 

Bunce. Let them investigate my antecedents. My past will answer 
for my present, and my present for the future. 

Capt. Very well. Sit down, (aside) They are too simple to be dan- 
gerous, (aloud) Listen. I am inclined to believe you. There is no 
charge against you. I am going to set you at liberty. 

All (joyfully). Oh ! 

Capt. But take care; the eye of the law is upon you. 

Bunce (to others). I told you he would let us go. But Corker talked 
too much. 

Enter Policeman, c. j 

Police. Captain, the boy is here. 

Capt. Ah ! yes. I had forgotten there is a witness. Let him enter. 

[Exit PoLICExMAN, C. 

Enter Benjamin, c. 

Capt. (to Benjamin). Well, what do you know about this matter? 

Ben. Nothing. I only want to get my bill paid. 

Capt. What bill? 

Ben. The bill for the breakfast these gentlemen ordered. They refused 
to pay it. (hands bill to Captain.) 

Bunce. Twenty pounds ! Never 

Cork. Never! We will not pay the ciphers. 

Capt. (reading bill, aside). Melon, whitebait, vol an vent. Ah! ah! 
their simplicity is all assumed then. Country people would never order 
such a breakfast, (aloud to Bunce) Why (.lid you refuse to pay? 

Bunce. Because 

Cork. Because the fellow is a robber! 

Ben. What do you say? If there are any robbers here I am not one 
of them. If I were only to speak 

Capt. (to Benjamin). What do you mean ? I command you to explain. 

Bunce. I too. I command you to explain. 

Ben. Oh ! you do, do you? Well, I will. If the captain will only ex- 
amine your bags, he will quickly see what you are. 

Bunce. Our bags? 

Cork. What do you mean ? 

Capt. Hand me your bags, (opening a bag) An opera glass, bracelets, 
a fan 

Lau. A few commissions entrusted to us by our neighbors. 

Cork. Which proves that we are honest people, and that those who 
know us do not hesitate to confide their property to us. 



22 A RED LETTER DAY. 

Capt. (examining Corker's bag). A chisel! 

Cork. That is mine. 

Capt. A burglarious implement 

Bunce (to Corker). What the devil did you bring- that for? 

Cafi'. In your own interest, I beg you to tell me the truth. You had 
better confess. 

Bunce. Confess! I? Never! 

Cork. We are honest men. 

Bunce (and others). We have harmed no one. 

Capt. Go into that room, {pointing I*) I will recall you presently. 
The ladies will go also. [Exit all except Captain and Benjamin. 

Capt. (to Benjamin). Now tell me all you know about these persons. 
What time did they go to your restaurant? 

Ben. About eight o'clock. I had just finished dusting, when I heard 
some one in the street cry, " Stop thief ! " 

Capt. Ah ! some one cried "Stop thief! " Go on. 

Ben. Then they all rushed into the restaurant with a frightened air. 
They ordered breakfast — the most expensive things on the list — saying 
that they had money — money that they had picked up. 

Capt. Ah! that is a serious confession. Continue. 

Ben. Most of them went out while their breakfast was being prepared. 
The old lady remained, with the chief of the band. She toTd him she 
was guilt}'. I was listening in the doorway. When the others returned 
they "emptied their bags and spread out a lot of jewelry on the table — 
bracelets, fans, snuff-boxes — and the chief said, " We must divide them, 
and get rid of them as soon as possible." 

Capt. It is clear. Go on. 

Ben. Well, after eating their breakfast they refused to pay the bill. 

Capt. Very well. Hold yourself in readiness as a witness. You may 
retire. [Exit Benjamin, c. 

Capt. (calls). Come in, all of you ! 

Enter Bunce, Corker, Laura and Blanche, l. 

Bunce. Cork., Lau. and Blanche. It is outrageous ! infamous! 

Bunce. I protest in the name of civilization. 

Capt. What is it? 

Bunce. They have made us empty our pockets. 

Lau. And they have confiscated everything. 

Bunce. Our money, our watches, our pocket-books, and only left us 
our pocket-handkerchiefs. 

Cork. Which are of no earthly use to us. 

Bunce. It is a violation of the" rights of property. 

Capt. Silence! I know now who you are. You are one of those 
bands which infest the city. 

Cork. Captain, I am a farmer's son — a farmer myself. 

Capt. Dou't talk to me ; I am up to all dodges of this sort. 

Cork. What? 

Capt. I am going to send for a carriage to take you to prison. 

All. To prison ! 

Capt. You are a band of pickpockets. [Exit, l. 

All. Pickpockets! We? 

Cork. And they are going to send us to prison ! 

Bunce. God bless me"! Arrest us? 

Lau. (aside). And Mr. Matchem expects me this evening. My future 
is ruined ! 



A RED LETTER DAY. 23 

Blanche (sobbing). Felix will not marry me. 

Cork. Ami Adolphus will be waiting for me, with his hair frizzed. 

Bunce (impressively). My friends, do you feel equal to a great under- 
taking-? 

All. We do ! 

Bunce. Hush ! Don't speak so loud. I have something to propose — 
one of those undertakings which mark an epoch in the lives of men ! 

All. Great heavens ! 

Bunce. Once upon a time there was a man named Monte Christo— 
you read of him in history. A rival's hatred caused his imprisonment in 
the Bustile. He remained there thirty-five years! 

Cork, and Blanche. Thirty-five years I 

Lau. Like Latude. 

Bunce. Like Latude. By the way, now that you mention him, I be-: 
lieve that it was Latude, and not Monte Christo. In short, what I have 
to propose to you is an escape. Do you consent? 

Cork. By Jove ! I would like nothing better. But how? The door is 
locked. 

Bunce. Hush ! There is a window. 

Lau. But the ladies? 

Bunce (goes to window). We are on the first floor. There is a court- 
yard below, with an asparagus bed. 

Cork. Asparagus! A regular feather bed. 

Lau. (aside). Then we can go to Mr. Malchem's. 

Bunce. There is a rope, (pointing to one.) 

All. A rope ! 

Bunce. I will fasten it to the window. Once outside I will procure a 
ladder, (takes down rope, fastens it to window, a) id prepares to get out 
— bell rings) Ah ! bless me, there is a bell ringing. 

Cork. Somebody is coming. 

Bunce. Be cool and collected. Sit down — smile, (all rush to seats.) 

Enter Captain, l. 

Capt. What is all this noise? 

Cork. I didn't hear anything. 

Bunce. Some one is ringing in the courtyard. 

Capt. Ah ! don't get impatient. The carriage will be here in a few 
minutes. 

Bunce (aside). And we have nothing — nothing with which to bribe 
this fellow, (aloud) Captain, they have taken everything from us ; but 1 
live at Amsden. If you should ever come there, my house and my 
table 

Cork. Come and dine with us; you shall have a bottle of champagne. 

Capt. An attempt at bribery. Oh ! you villains. [Exit, l. 

Bunce. It was no go. 

Cork. Ah! 

All. What? 

Cork. Mv pickaxe! — they have forgotten my pickaxe! 

All. Well? 

Cork. I will make a hole in the wall there, (pointing to l. u. e.) and 
we can escape through the next building. 

Bunce. Sublime! 

Lau. I prefer that to the window. 

Bunce. Well, hurry. 

Cork. Yes, but they will hear me. 



24 A BED LETTER DAY. 

Bunce. That is true. 

Lau. What Shall we do? 

Cork. Shu;- as loud as you can; that will drown the noise.' 

Blanche. What shall we sing? 

Lau. My favorite air from •' William Tell." 

Bunce. No; that will not make noise enough ; sing the song which I 
composed for the liremen's banquet, {to Corker) Are you ready? Tap 
the wall lightly, Corker. (Corker does so, and makes a hole, plastering 
falls. ) 

Cork. What the devil shall we do with the rubbish? 

Bunce. Conceal it in our pockets, {picks some up and puts in pocket.) 

Cork. Well, begin. Sing loud. 

Blanche. Hush! Some one is opening the door ! 

Bunce. Good gracious, the hole ! How shall we conceal that? Ah! 
Laura, stand there, {places her before the hole.) 

Cork. Just the thing. 

Bunce. Don't move. 

Enter Captain, l. 

Capt. I forgot to take your names. Be good enough to give them to 
me. 

Bunce. My name is Theophilus Athanasius Bunce, captain of a fire — ■ 

Capt. Never mind that, {to Blanche) Your name, miss? 

Blanche. Blanche Rosalie Bunce. 

Cork. Mine is Christopher Columbus Corker. 

Capt. {designating Laura). Is that lady your wife? 

Cork, {disgusted). I should hope not. 

Lau. I am not married; 

Bunce {aside to her). Don't move. 

Capt. Don't be afraid, miss. Come here, {she does not move) I tell 
you to come here — come ! {she approaches reluctantly) What is your 
name? 

Lau. Laura Zenobia Bunce! 

Capt. That is all. Sorry to keep you waiting, but the carriage will 
soon be here. [Exit, l. 

All. He has gone! 

Cork. Now for my pickaxe. Sing! {all sing loudly.) 

Cork, {striking wall with his pickaxe). Hurrah ! the wall gives way. 
{plastering and bricks fall.) 

All. We are saved ! 

Bunce. I hear voices. 

Cork. Let me see where it leads to. {looking through hole, exclaims) 
Another room in the station house, and filled with policemen ! 

All. Ah ! we are lost! 

Bunce. God bless me ! I am afraid we are. 

Enter Captain, l. 

Capt. The carriage is here. Come along, {sees hole, exclaims) A 
hole in the wall ! Who did that? 

Cork. It must have been the rats. 

Capt. Ah ! a pickaxe! An attempt to escape. This is a serious af- 
fair. It will go hard with you, you scoundrels! Come along, {collars 
Bunce and drags him offc., the others follow.) 

curtain. 



A RED LETTER DAY. 25 

ACT IV. 

SCENE. — Matcfiem's Reception-room. 
Matchem and Joseph discovered standing e. 

Matchem. Everything ready, Joseph ? 

Joseph. Everything, sir. [Exit, c. 

Match, (rubbing his hands). Well, this is a magnificent affair 1 have 
on hand— an affair of the first class. A young lady with an an income 
of one thousand pounds, {looking at his watch) Quarter to eight. If I 
can trust her dispatch, the beautiful Laura will be here presently, (read- 
ing dispatch) "I will be there at eight. I am overcome by emotion. I 
could not sleep." (speaks) Let me see, where is the description of herself 
she sent me ? (takes paper from his pocket — reads) i( I am dark com- 
plexioned — " (speaks) I hope she isirt a negress ; they are very difficult 
to dispose of. However, last year I succeeded in getting rid of one ; but 
I charged an extra commission, (reads) "My brow is pale. ; ' (speaks) 
Ah! she is white, (reads) "A soft melancholy, tempered by a gentle 
gayetVj shines from my eyes. I am noted for my unaffected manners." 
(speaks) Why, this is a regular prospectus, (reads) "I ought not to 
speak of my disposition, but since my infancy I have devoted myself to 
the care of a brother, much older than myself, a morose and disagreeable 
man — and yet no word of complaint has ever escaped my lips. If the 
gentleman pleases me, I would be willing to live in the country, if de- 
Sired." (puts paper in his pocket) I don't know whether the gentleman 
will please her, but I trust so. I can't get the one I hoped for, but an- 
other was here this morning. He said he would be back at eight. Now 
I must go and see if everything is in order. I have ordered a little sup- 
per in honor of the occasion. "" [Kcit, r. 

Enter Joseph, c, showing in Higgins. 

Jos. Mr. Matchem will be here in a moment, sir. {Exit, c. 

Hig. (who is in evening dress). Well, I think this coat will do nicely. 
I hired it for the occasion. It is entirely new, except two grease spots, 
which they rubbed out with benzine. The odor is a little disagreeable. 
I poured a lot of cologne over it, but the benzine predominates. Am I 
foolish in coming here? After all I need not take her if I don't want to: 
there is no law that can force me to do that. One of two things— either 
this girl who advertised is pretty, or she is ugly ; if she is ugly, I shall 
be out the pound that Matchem made me deposit this morning ; but if. 
siie is pretty it will be a fine affair for me. To say nothing of the happi- 
ness of marrying a beautiful woman, she has a thousand pounds income. 
I will give a fire engine to the town. Bunce will be furious. There is 
one thing that troubles me— Matchem told me that the appointment had 
been made for another party, but that he had been called out of town, 
and woidd not probably get back in time to keep it. Even if he should, 
I believe that I shall stand the best chance. Good gracious! (sniffim/) 
how that benzine smells! I wonder what becameof the Bunces. I 
waited at the Wax Works two hours for them. 

Enter Matchem, r. 

Match, (aside). Nine o'clock, and Laura not yet arrived ! (seeing Hig- 
gins) Ah ! there you are. 



26 



A BED LETTER DAY. 



IIig. {anxiously). Am I late? 

Match. No; it is the lady, (examining him) Ah! very good. You 
look very well. 

Hig. Upon my word, I think I do. 

Match. What a queer odor; don't you notice it? 

Uig. No, I don't notice anything, (aside) It's the benzine, (aloud) Tell 
me, has that gentleman, my rivaCconie? 

Match. Yes ; he has jnst arrived. He is in the other room. 

Hig. You don't say so ! Oh ! let me have a look at him. 

Match. Impossible! 

Hig. Is he handsome? 

Match. He is not bad looking. 

Hig. Handsomer than I? 

Match. Well, it is hard to say. It's entirely a matter of taste. 

Hig. What is he? 

Match. Oh ! he's a man. I can say no more. 

Hig. Well, don't forget that you promised to introduce me first. 

Match. I will ; I will keep my word, (looki.ig at watch, aside) Quarter 
past nine. Suppose she should not come? 

Enter Joseph, c. 

Jos. The supper is ready, sir. 

Match. Ah ! I must go and tell them to wait, (to Higgins) Excuse me 
for a moment. [Exeunt Matchem and Joseph, c. 

Hig. Well. I hope she will like me. I am sure I shall be pleased with 
her, especially her thousand pounds income. Oh ! if I could only see my 
hated rival. [Goes up and exit, l. 

Bunce rushes in, c. 

Bunce (calls off). Come! Come in quick, and shut the door. 

Enter Corker, Blanche, and Laura, c. 
Cork. Well, here we are. 

Enter Joseph, c. 

Jos. (aside). Who the devil are these people I wonder, (comes down \\.) 
Bunce. You are sure that we are not followed? 
Cork. We ran all the way. 

Lau. (aside). A pretty way to come to keep an appointment. 
Bunce (shivering). I am nearly frozen. 

Cork. And I am half starved. " I'll see if I can't get something to eat. 
Bunce. But where can you get it? They have left us absolutely noth- 
ing but our pocket-handkerchiefs. We haven't a shilling among us all. 
Jos. Who do you wish to see, gentlemen? 

Bunce. Tell Mr. Matchem that Theophilus Bunce has arrived 

Lau. With his sister Laura. 

Jos. I will tell him, sir. [Exit, c. 

Enter Higgins, l. 

Hig. (aside). The odor is terrible. In the dining-room I approached 
a gentleman ; he sniffed and said, "It is queer — the gas must be escap- 
ing." It was that benzine. 

Bunce (seeing him). Higgins! You here? 

Hig. Bunce! 

Cork., Lau. and Blanche. You here? 

Bunce. You know Mr. Matchem then ? 



A RED LETTER DAY. 27 

Hig. Yes, yes; lie is an old friend of mine. I have known him twenty 
years. 

Bunce. He is a friend of mine also. 

IJig. Well, you are a pretty set. We agree to spend the fund together, 
and then you leave me in the lurch. I call that shabby. 

Bunce. Reproaches! I confess I did not expect them from you, sir. 

Lau. It is the height of impudence. 

Hig. What! 

Bunce. There are some men, sir, who have a faculty of disappearing 
at the moment of danger. 

Hig. What do you mean? What are you talking about? 

Bunce. I am alluding to your cowardly desertion of us. 

Hig. {angrily). Cowardly! Do you call me a coward? 

Bunce. Coward is what I meant to imply. 

Htg. Sir, you shall answer for this! 

Bunce. Whenever you please, sir! 

Blanche. Papa ! 

Cork, (aside). They are always quarrelling. 

Hig. 1 do not know what you mean. I waited two hours at the Wax 
Works for you. 

Bunce. Indeed ! It is a pity, sir, that a sight of those mute figures, 
depicting scenes of glory and courage, did not awaken in your breast 
sentiments of 

Hig. (angrily). Sir! 

Cork. Come now, stop this quarrelling. Shake hands and let the 
matter drop. 

Blanche (imploringly). Papa ! 

Lau. (same). Mr. Higgins! 

Bunce (extending his hand to Higgins). So be it. I yield to the en- 
treaties of my family. 

Hig. (extending his hand). All right. Now tell me what became of you. 

Bunce. We were overtaken by a tempest. 

Cork. The watch and the chisel did the business. 

Hig. What do you mean ? 

Cork. They took us to the station house. 

Hig. The station house! 

Bunce. Then they put all four of us in a carriage. 

Cork. And the captain took a seat beside the driver. 

Hig. (trying to understand). Yes 

Bunce. How do you think we escaped? 

Hig. You escaped ! Prom where? 

Cork. Ah ! he doesn't understand. You must know, then, that the 
picknxe was not a success — neither was the rope. 

Hfg. (puzzled). No? 

Cork. Now he sees clearly, (to Bunce) Go on. 

Bunce. In the street, the carriage was obliged to stop on account of a 
blockade. The captain remained on the seat with the driver. I cau- 
tiously pushed open the doors, we all got out, and in a moment we were 
lost in the crowd 

Cork. While the unsuspecting driver and captain drove on to the 
prison. 

Bunce. It was a grand idea— one ofj my best. 

Cork. Now you understand? 

Hig. Not a word of all you have said. 

Cork, (sniffing). Why, what an awful odor there is about you, Hig- 
gins ! 



28 A RED LETTER DAY. 

Bunce (aside). It is lie then. I thought it was the gas. 

IIig. (aside). Again ! (aloud) I don't perceive it. (aside) I really must 
get a bottle of musk. I wiil pour some down my back. [Exit, r. 

Blanche (at the Jive). Papa, I am thirsty. 

Cork. So am I. Let us go and see if we can't find some water, Miss 
Blanche. [Exeunt with Blanche, r. 

Lau. I wonder where Mr. Matchem is. 

Bunce. I am curious to see the man. 

Lau. Do I look all right? 

Bunce. Yes, you're all right; but your shoes are covered with mud. 
Let me wipe them off. (takes out handkerchief, and as he does so pieces 
of plaster fall on the floor) Hello! 

Lau. What is that? 

Bunce. Some of the rubbish ! 

Enter Matchem, c. 

Match. Ah ! you have come at last. 1 was just this moment informed 
of your arrival. 

Bunce. I am Theophilus Bunce. 

Match. Delighted to see you, sir. (aside) The other must be the 
mother, (aloud) Where is the young lady? 

Bunce. Who do you mean? 

Match. The beautiful Laura. 

Lau. I am she! 

Match, (quicklu). You? Get out! 

Lau. What, sir? 

Match. Nothing — nothing. 

Bunce (aside). She seems to have made an impression ; but I don't 
believe it's a good one. 

Match, (aside). Well, she is a tough subject — one will have to get used 
to her. 

Bunce (to Matchem). Come, be frank. She won't do, will she? 

Lau. What! 

Match, (politely). I do not say that. The lady is quite distinguished 
looking, and capable of inspiring a passion. 

Bunce. She! Why, just look at her. 

Lau. (furious). Theophilus! 

Bunce. It is for the gentleman to say. Can you marry her off? Do 
you think there is any chance? 

Match. Certainly, if the inducements 

Lau. Theophilus, you are a fool ! — as impudent as ever. 

Bunce (to Matchem). Well, do your best. I ask nothing better ; but 
if you knew her disposition. Why, she is the most disagreeable, the 
most cantankerous 

Match. Do not speak so loud. 

Lau. Jt is false. Do not believe him, sir. 

Bunce. And so hard to feed. She will not eat beef, nor 

Match. Not so loud, my dear sir; he may hear you. 

Bunce. True. Is the unhappy man here? 

Match. There are two gentlemen awaiting an introduction. 

Lau. (rapturously). Two ! Oh ! let me see them. 

Match. In a moment. Go in there, (pointing l.) and arrange your 
dress, if you please, Miss Bunce. Exit Laura, l. 

Bunce. Look here, Matchem, if you can rid me of her, I am willing 
to make a sacrifice — I will throw in an extra thousand pounds. 



A RED LETTER DAY. 29 

Match. I will do my lust— you may bo sure of that. Just step into 
the adjoining- room, please. [Exit Bunce, l. 

Eater IIiggins, k. 

Hig. Well, has she come? 

Match. Yes. 

Hig. Huve you seen her? Is she fair? I like fair women. 

Match. She is a brunette. 

Hig. Well, it's all the same ; I like brunettes. I am all impatience. 
Present me to her. 

Match. Remain here. She will come to meet you alone. 

Hig. When? 

Match. In a moment. I will see that you are not disturbed. And, 
above all — {breaking off) What a strong smell of musk ! 

Hig. Never mind that. You were saying, " above all " 

Match. Above all — never mind — here she comes. [Exit, r. 

Enter Laura, l. 

Lau. (aside). Mr. Matchem said that I should find a young man here. 
How my heart beats! (sees IIiggins) Oh! Mr. Higgins! (aside) How 
annoying. 

Hig. Miss Bunce! (aside) She will be in the way. 

Lau. (aside). I must make him go away. 

Hig. (aside). I must get rid of her somehow, (aloud) Your brother is 
seeking for you everywhere ; he is in the other room. 

Lau. (aside). An idea ! (aloud) I don't like to go to look for him alone. 
Will you be good enough to escort me? 

Hig. With pleasure. 

Lau. (aside). I will get rid of him and return. 

Hig. (aside). I will excuse myself and come back as soon as possible. 
(aloud) Permit me, Miss Bunce. (offers his arm, and they go off c.) 

Enter Matchem, r. 

Match. Well, what do you say ? Hello ! there is no one here ! Where 
can they have gone? [Exit, c. 

At' the same moment Higgins enters, l., and Laura, r. 

Lau. (seeing Higgins). He back again? 

Hig. (aside). What, the devil ! is she here again ? 

Lau. (aloud). Mr. Higgins ! 

Hig. Miss Bunce ! 

Enter Matchem, c. 

Match. Ah! there you are. Well, what do you say ? 

Lau. What? 

Hig. What do .you mean ? 

Match, (to Laura). That is the gentleman ! (to Higgins) That is the 
lady ! 

Hig. (stupefied). What! Miss Bunce? 

Lau. (same). What! Mr. Higgins? 

Match. What ! you know each other? 

Hig. We have known each other all our lives. 

Lau. And it was for this you summoned me to London ! 

Hig. (angrily). Give me back my pound! A pound lo meet her! 1 
meet her often enough for nothing. 



30 A RED LETTER DAY. 

Match, {trying to calm them). Why, no, no! Calm yourselves. I 
have others— the finest matches in England. 

Hig. Go to the devil ! [Exit, c. 

Lau. I will depart at once. Swindler ! 

Match. Wait! That one (alluding to Higgins) does not count. The 
other — the one I wrote you about — a man of high position — he is here. 

Lau. Ah! 

Match. A charming young- man. I will go and get him. [Exit, c. 

Lau. (alone). A charming young man! All may yet be well, {sits r.) 

Re-enter Matchem, followed by Captain Grabem, c. 

Match. Come, courage, my dear sir. There she is ! 

Capt. (gazing at Laura). She is a beautiful woman! 

Match. I will leave you. Be eloquent! [Evit,c. 

Capt. Miss 

Lau. (aside). He is there ! 

Capt. Permit me to bless the happy chance which has enabled me to 
meet you here alone. 

Lau. It was indeed chance, as you say. (tarns and looks at him, 
springs to her feet — aside) Great heavens ! the captain of the police. 

Capt. What is the matter with you? 

Lau. {with forced calmness). Me? Nothing. 

Capt. (aside). It is emotion. She is very beautiful, but it seems to me 
that I have seen her before, (aloud) I beg your pardon, but were you 
not at the opera last evening? 

Lau. No; it was not me. (aside) He does not recognize me. 

Capt. I have not the honor of being known to you; but I know you. 

Lau. (quickly). Oh ! no, sir ; you are mistaken. 

Capt. I know that you have devoted the best years of your life to an 
old brother, (aside) Where the devil have I seen her? 

Lau. Oh! sir. Really, I deserve no praise for that ; I but did my 
duty, (aside) How can I get away? 

Capt. I beg your pardon, but were you at the Botanical Gardens 
Thursday? 

Lau. No, sir. Will you excuse me for a moment? (goes up.) 

Capt. (aside). I am sure I have seen her somewhere lately. 

Enter Bunce and Corker, r. 

Bunce. Well, is the affair progressing? 
Capt. Miss — {seeing Bunce) Ah ! 
Bunce. Ah! the captain. 
Capt. (looking at Corker). The other. 
Cork. By Jove! the captain of police. 

Capt. They are all here— the whole band. I knew I had seen her 
before. 

Enter Blanche, r. Sees Captatn and utters a scream. 

Capt. Well, upon my word, this is an adventure, (collaring Bunce) 
So I have you again? 
Bunce. Well, from the feeling, I should emphaticallv say that you had. 
Capt. Wait here, all of you. I will go and get a carriage. 
Bunce. A carriage! What for? 
Capt. To take you to prison. 
All (groan). Oh! 

Enter Felix, Adolphus, and Higgins, c. 



A RED LETTER DAY. 31 

Felix. Well, I have found you :it lust. 

Cork, (embracing his son). Adolphus! We fire saved! 

Felix. I have bad a pretty hunt tor you. I missed the train, took the 
next one, and have been searching for you ever since. I happened to 
run across Adolphus, and he told me you were to be-here this even big. 
Oh ! by the way, I had quite an adventure this morning on the street: :i 
feliow robbed me of my watch. To-night I happened to meet the rascal 
face to face. I recognized him at once. 

Bunce. You were robbed ? 

Felix. I had him arrested, but he could not return the watch, becnuse 
lie had dropped it into the umbrella of an old imbecile who was looking 
in the shop windows. 

Bunce. In mine! It was mine! 

Cork., Blanche, and Lau. It was his! 

Felix. Yours? 

Lau. Captain, you see that we are innocent. 

Capt. It appears so, miss. Upon my word. I thought so all the time. 
You were too guileless looking to be hardened criminals. 

Bunce (aside to Felix). My boy, my daughter is yours. Have you got 
any money with you ? 

Felix (thanking him). Ah ! my dear sir, my gratitude 

Bunce. Have you any money? 

Felix. Yes, plenty of it. 

Cork. What a lucky thing for us that you found us. 

Lau. (to Captain). I suppose our innocence is fully recognized? 

Capt. Oh, yes, I recognize it. You are free. 

Cork. And' our valuables will be restored? 

Capt. Yes. Come with me to the station, and I will give them to 
you. 

Enter Matchem, c. 

Match. Well, what do you say? Hello! quite a family party, (aside) 
It must be all right, (aloud) I congratulate you. 

Bunce. Mr. Matchem, it was your infernal letter that brought us to 
London. 

Cork. But for that, we should be making a tour of the country. 

Hig. Or enjoying a good dinner. 

Bunce. I foriiive you, but I beg to say that I am in no hurry to come 
again. I did hope Unit you would take' Laura oft my hands, but as you 
haven't succeeded, why, I must look about and see what I can do my- 
self. 

Cork, (to Adolphus). How is she, my boy? 

Adol. She? Who? 

Cork. The cow. 

Adol. She died at three o'clock. 

Cork, (taking out handkerchief). Poor creature ! 

Bunce. Wellj we have had a day of it. Now we have just time to 
Catch the last train for home. Our friend Felix here will act as treasurer, 
and I move that we start at once, (to Captain) Will you be good enough 
to send our things to us by express? (to others) Come, hurry ! Just let 
me find myself at home once more, and Theophilus Bunce will not trust 
himself in London again until lie is a good deal older. 

Lau. (aside to Matchem). If you hear of any one else 

Match, (aside to Laura). I will bear you in mind, Miss Bunce. 

Bunce. Now are we all ready? Let us go then, (aside) Won't the 



32 A RED LETTER DAY. 

Amsden fire company be amazed when they hear of their captain's ad- 
venture? {aloud) Come, my children, we have been happily delivered out 
of all our perils. Circumstances were against us, but 

Cork. Oh ! don't give us a sermon. What we want is something to 
eat. 

Match. I have had a little supper prepared, and if you would honor 
me 

Blanche. Oh ! do, papa. I am awfully hungry, and we can go home 
on the first train in the morning. 

Bunce. Mr. Matchem, I yield to my child's entreaties. We will honor 

you. 

Match. This way then, if you please, {going up c.) 
Bunce {to the others). I must confess tliat I am rather hungry myself. 
I only trust that there won't be any ciphers on our bill of fare. After 
all, now that we are safely out of our troubles, I don't know as I am 
sorry we came. Theophilua Bunce lias passed though many memorable 
and never lo be forgotten episodes, but of all the "days in h is eventful 
career, this must certainly be set down as the Red Letter Day! 

Matchem goes to door c. and motions them, to pass out. They all turn 
and go c. as curtain falls. 



CURTAIN. 



SYNOPSIS OF THE PLAY. 

A party of country people, who have been playing cards together for a year, have 
accumulated a fund by each one contributing a shilling every night that they have 
played. The action opens onthe evening that they are to decide what is to be done 
with this fund. Lauiia Bunce, a spinster lady, receiving a reply to a matrimonial 
advertisement which slie has inserted in a London paper, persuades the others to 
use the money in a trip to London. There the party meet with a series of most 
ludicrous adventures, and are finally taken for a baud of pickpockets and sent to 
prison. On the way they effect their escape. On repairing to the house of the mat- 
rimonial agent to keep an appointment, Miss Bunce is, to her intense disgust, intro- 
duced to Mr. Htggins, one of their own party, and a very sentimental old gentleman. 
The matrimonial agent, hoping to please her, then presents another aspirant, Capt. 
Grabem, the police officer who had sent them to prison. He recognizes the whole 
party, and is about to rearrest them, when the timely arrival of Felix sets matters 
right. The play abounds in ludicrous situations, and will keep an audience con- 
vulsed with laughter from beginning to end. Especially adapted for amateurs. 



DE WITTS ETHIOPIAN AND COMIC DRAMA.-ContinuecL 



M. F. 

33. Jealous Husband, sketch 2 1 

94. Julius the Snoozer. burlesque, 3 sc. 6 1 
103. Katrina's Little Game, Dutch act, 

1 scene 1 1 

1. Last of the Mohicans, sketch 3 1 

36. Laughing Gas, sketch, 1 scene 6 1 

18. Live Injun, sketch, 4 scenes 4 1 

60. Lost Will sketch 4 

37. Lucky Job, farce, 2 scenes 3 2 

90. Lunatic (The), farce, 1 scene 8 

109. Making a Hit, farce, 2 scenes 4 

19. Malicious Trespass, sketch, 1 scene. 3 
149. 'Meriky, Ethiopian farce, 1 scene... 3 1 
151. Micky Free, Irish sketch, 1 scene.. 5 

96. Midnight Intruder, farce, 1 scene . 6 1 
147. Milliner's Shop (The), Ethiopian 

sketch, 1 scene 2 2 

129. Moko Marionettes, Ethiopian eccen- 
tricity, 2 scenes 4 5 

I 101. Molly Moriarty, Irish musical 

sketch, 1 scene 1 1 

117. Motor Bellows, comedy, 1 act 4 

44. Musical Servant, sketch. 1 scene.... 3 

8. Mutton Trial, sketch, 2 scenes .... 4 
119. My Wife'sVisitors, comic drama,lsc. 6 1 

49. Night in a Strange Hotel, sketch, lsc. 2 
132. Noble Savage, Ethi'n sketch, 1 ec. .. 4 
145. No Pay No Cure, Ethi'n sketch, 1 sc. 5 

22. Obeving Orders, sketch, 1 scene 2 1 

27. 100th Night of Hamlet, sketch 7 1 

125. Oh, Hush ! operatic olio 4 1 

30. One Night in a Bar Room, sketch . . 7 

114. One Night iu a Medical College, 

Ethiopian sketch, 1 scene 7 1 

76. One, Two, Three, sketch, 1 scene.. 7 

91. Painter's Apprentice, farce, 1 scene. 5 
87. Pete and the Peddler, Negro and 

Irish sketch, 1 scene 2 1 

135. Pleasant Companions, Ethiopian 

sketch, 1 scene 5 1 

92. Polar Bear (The), farce, 1 scene 4 1 

9. Policy Players, sketch, 1 scene 7 

57. Pompey's Patients, interlude, 2 sc. 6 
65. Porter's Troubles, sketch, 1 scene.. 6 1 
6(5. Port Wine vs. Jealousy, sketch 2 1 

115. Private Boarding, comedy, 1 scene. 2 3 
14. Recruiting Office, sketch, 1 act 5 

105. Rehearsal (The), Irish farce, 2 sc. . . 3 1 

45. Remittance from Home, sketch, 1 sc. 6 
55. Rigging a Purchase, sketch, 1 sc. . . 3 



81. 
26. 
138. 

15. 

5'.). 
21. 



74. 
46. 
69. 
56. 
72, 
13. 
16. 
7, 
121. 

47. 

51. 
1Q0. 
102. 

34. 

122. 
2. 

104. 
5. 

28. 
131. 

62. 

32. 

39. 

75. 



29. 
97. 
137. 

143. 



85. 
116. 



Rival Artists, sketch, 1 scene . 

Rival Tenants, sketch 

Rival Barbers* Shops (The), Ethio- 
pian farce, 1 scene 

Sam's Courtship, farce, 1 act , . . 

Sausage Makers, sketch, 2 scenes.. 

Scampiui, pantomime, 2 scenes 

Scenes on the Mississippi, 6ketch, 
2 scenes.. 

Serenade (The), sketch, 2 scenes.... 

Siamese Twins, sketch, 2 s^ues 

Sleep Walker, sketch, 2 sce'ues 

Slippery Day, sketch, 1 scene 

Squire for a Day, sketch 

Stage-struck Couple, interlude, 1 ec. 

Stranger,' burlesque, 1 scene 

Streets of New York, sketch, 1 sc. . . 

Storming the Fort, sketch, 1 scene. 

Stupid Servant, sketch, 1 scene 

Stocks Up ! Stocks Down ! Negro 
duologue, 1 scene 

Take It, Don't Take It, sketch, 1 sc. 

Them Papers, sketch, 1 scene 

Three Chiefs (The), sketch, 1 scene. 

Three A. M., sketch, 2 scenes 

Three Strings to otie Bow, sketch, 
1 scene 

Ticket Taker, Ethi'n farce, 1 scene' 

Tricks, sketch 

Two Avvfuls (The), sketch, 1 scene.. 

Two Black Roses, sketch 

Uncle Epn's Dream, sketch, 2 6c. . . 

Unlimited Cheek, sketch, 1 scene . . 

Vinegar Bitters, sketch, 1 scene .... 

Wake up. William Henry ; sketch. . . 

Wanted, a Nurse, sketch, 1 scene. . . 

Weston, the Walkist, Dutch sketch, 
1 scene 

What shall I Take ? sketch, 1 scene. 

Who Died First ? sketch, 1 scene.. . 

Who's the Actor? farce, 1 scene 

Whose Baby is it ? Ethiopian sketch, 
1 scene 

Wonderful Telephone (The), Ethio- 
pian sketch, 1 scene 

Wrong Woman in the Right Place, 
sketch, 2 scenes 

Young Scamp, sketch, 1 scene.. 

Zacharias' Funeral, farce, 1 scene. . 



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Price, 25 Cents. 



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Being choice selections from the very best Dramas, Comedies and 
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Each number, 25 Cents, 

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